ARIES (March 20-April 21): You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (April 22-May 20): You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a communist.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You expect too much for too little. This means that you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (July 23-August 22): You consider yourself a born loser. You whine about everything because you think you never get your way. Others think that you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos spend most of their time kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (August 23-September 22): You are the logical type and hate disorder. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22): You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores, and all Libras die of venereal diseases.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a relentless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittariuses are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There have never been Capricorns of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a jerk.

PISCES (February 19-March 20): You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dip-shit.